This is what happens..

I found something I wrote that I actually like alot..but I kept it hidden and just found it! here it is for your reading pleasure:

I think that when I grow old, I will remember these summers. The time we spent, just being idealistic and young. There is something spellbinding about the summers I spent in Toronto. The air at my grandmothers house is just different. I didn't grow up in this house, but it holds some of my most precious memories and heartaches. I can still open the closet in the office and breathe in his scent. Summer in toronto isn't an option, it's a given. At least three weeks of summer are devoted to being in the city that birthed me. Walking to First Markham with Gautam to watch movies, Driving around with Kajal, trying to eat our fudgesicles before they melted all over our hands. Walking around the mall with Rachna for hours upon hours. Walking to Beckers, coke slushies, those rocket popsicles, the ones with three colors.

We might be growing up, but summer never will. There will always be us, sitting outside dimitris, polishing off some kind of waffle sundae. And sitting in the family room, watching some kind of sporting event. Or waiting while dadi cooks us something.

It's summer after all, and that means we're invincible in our youth.


"And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat...You're just jealous cause we're young and in love."

Confused,

Love means...what, exactly?

You're willing to give up everything to be with someone...someone who isn't willing to do the same for you?

Is that really love?

To the White Knight, long gone.

"'Cause I've had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you"

I'm still not sure how I can loathe someone I used to love so much. I guess I just chose loathing because loving them is just far to painful. I don't mean to sound emo or anything (gosh, when did I have to start putting a disclaimer on my thoughts and emotions?) but yes, I don't want anyone to start going "omg, nehaaaa, shit happens, get over it.stop whining!" I won't be able to get over for a while, sorry it's just the way I am made. I see them walking, and yet I still get pangs. I want them with me, I don't want them anywhere else. It's so hard, SO HARD, to get over what happened, in fact, part of me doesn't even want to get over it. I want to bundle it up and keep it with me and be bitter forever, wouldn't that just be easier?! I thought you were my white knight, I thought that even when I stopped being the proverbial damsel in distress that you and I could just be friends, but you, you couldn't even let that happen! Yes, I realized what we had was different, and it wasn't that kind of real. I never believed that we were going to be forever, I just thought we would have now. And when the now faded, I thought you could still be someone I could laugh with. I don't understand how I could have been so WRONG. You hurt me so badly, the kind of wound that doesn't disappear, the kind I will carry with me, through becoming a wife and a mother, but I won't let it affect me, I use it to be stronger. You put me through some of the most intense emotional pain in my life, you made me break down, lose control, but I just can't stop loving you. Maybe it's because when I look at you, all I see is the happiness that we had. Don't be fooled by my wide smile and my kind nature, I am never letting you back into my life. I will never let you touch me again, I have to remember not to be suckered in by your silver tounge and your eyes. But then again, I have to thank you. You taught me so many things, you gave me so much. The time I had with you was exactly what I wanted, it was perfect in its imperfection, it was exactly how it should have been, cute, sweet, clumsy, and beautiful. Maybe I'm just as hurt because you didn't give me a storybook ending, or any kind of painless ending at all. Maybe I was afraid that the ending you gave me would cloud the beauty of our story, but I guess I didn't have enough faith in my heart. So yes, in the end, you sucked, but I won't let that blind me to how wonderful you ONCE were.

So, I'm going to forgive, but I won't forget. And now that its all out, maybe I can start to heal a little.

A tale on how the damsel saved herself.

Dear Knight In "Shining" Armor,

I can do better.

Yours,
The Damsel No Longer In Distress.

boys are much more trouble than they are worth right now!

But sadly, they are still going to give me a headache because they are more emo than I am.
and in public, natch.