To the White Knight, long gone.

"'Cause I've had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you"

I'm still not sure how I can loathe someone I used to love so much. I guess I just chose loathing because loving them is just far to painful. I don't mean to sound emo or anything (gosh, when did I have to start putting a disclaimer on my thoughts and emotions?) but yes, I don't want anyone to start going "omg, nehaaaa, shit happens, get over it.stop whining!" I won't be able to get over for a while, sorry it's just the way I am made. I see them walking, and yet I still get pangs. I want them with me, I don't want them anywhere else. It's so hard, SO HARD, to get over what happened, in fact, part of me doesn't even want to get over it. I want to bundle it up and keep it with me and be bitter forever, wouldn't that just be easier?! I thought you were my white knight, I thought that even when I stopped being the proverbial damsel in distress that you and I could just be friends, but you, you couldn't even let that happen! Yes, I realized what we had was different, and it wasn't that kind of real. I never believed that we were going to be forever, I just thought we would have now. And when the now faded, I thought you could still be someone I could laugh with. I don't understand how I could have been so WRONG. You hurt me so badly, the kind of wound that doesn't disappear, the kind I will carry with me, through becoming a wife and a mother, but I won't let it affect me, I use it to be stronger. You put me through some of the most intense emotional pain in my life, you made me break down, lose control, but I just can't stop loving you. Maybe it's because when I look at you, all I see is the happiness that we had. Don't be fooled by my wide smile and my kind nature, I am never letting you back into my life. I will never let you touch me again, I have to remember not to be suckered in by your silver tounge and your eyes. But then again, I have to thank you. You taught me so many things, you gave me so much. The time I had with you was exactly what I wanted, it was perfect in its imperfection, it was exactly how it should have been, cute, sweet, clumsy, and beautiful. Maybe I'm just as hurt because you didn't give me a storybook ending, or any kind of painless ending at all. Maybe I was afraid that the ending you gave me would cloud the beauty of our story, but I guess I didn't have enough faith in my heart. So yes, in the end, you sucked, but I won't let that blind me to how wonderful you ONCE were.

So, I'm going to forgive, but I won't forget. And now that its all out, maybe I can start to heal a little.